It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything, mostly because I haven’t really had much to talk about. But now, I have a lot on my mind and need somewhere to talk about it.
I met this guy about a month ago, well, I knew him because we have a class together, but we didn’t start talking until the very last day of September. It was a Sunday, I was late for a meeting that he also happened to be attending. I sat down next to him, and we started talking. After that we started talking some before and after class, but not really enough to consider ourselves friends because honestly, we hardly knew anything about each other.
This is going to sound awful, but I kind of got the feeling that he liked me, but I didn’t do anything about it. I mean, I thought he was cute, but he’s not the type of guy that I normally would fall for. I’ve always dated the “pretty boy” assholes who feel like they can get away with anything just because they’re good looking. You know, the ones that every girl who meets them wants to date- I wanted to be that girl that everyone was jealous of.
But I finally found him on Facebook, and we got to know each other a little better. I realized we actually have things in common and loved his sense of humor. Then one night last week, I was out with my friends at a bar, and he showed up. I was too nervous to talk to him because earlier that day I’d realized I actually liked him. He didn’t stay long, so after he left, my friends thought it would be a good idea to send him an extremely forward Facebook message. The next morning, I made up the excuse that I was really drunk and didn’t even remember sending it, even though it wasn’t true.
But it worked—we talked non-stop for the next four days. My face lit up every time I saw his name pop up on my phone or my Facebook chat sound would go off and it was him. I forgot what that felt like. It’d been so long since I’d been happy like that.
That Friday I invited him over to my apartment, and after an extremely long walk that I would never attempt, he did. Again, he didn’t stay long because it was pretty late, but he met me out for Halloween on Saturday night. He was such a gentleman- he was nice to my friends, he gave me his jacket because I was freezing- the sweet things that guys are supposed to do, but I never had done for me.
Well around midnight, my friends wanted to go to a bar, but this guy is a few months short of 21, so I stayed with him instead of joining my friends. We walked around for awhile, held hands, and eventually kissed- and I mean one of those wonderful first kisses with someone that you see in the movies, the ones that you feel building up, the ones that make you feel absolutely amazing when you’re lips finally touch. And after making out for quite awhile, we decided to head back to my apartment.
I don’t regret hooking up with him. It was an absolutely perfect night, and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so comfortable with him, I actually fell asleep while we were cuddling, which is weird because I’ve never fallen asleep with a guy, not even ones that I actually dated.
But this whole situation sucks very, very bad for me. He’s still hung up over an ex, so for right now, nothing’s going to happen with us. We’re going to be “just friends,” which from my past experiences always ends with me getting EXTREMELY hurt.
The worst part was when he was getting ready to leave at 5 the next morning. I bawled like a baby that hasn’t yet been acclimated to being alone. I actually begged him not to leave. It’s so different being the one that’s being left. I’m so used to doing it at the guy’s house, I’ve never had to watch someone leave me after such an intimate thing. It was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to do. I texted him while he was on his walk home, and said “I miss you.” I didn’t realize until that night how much I had fallen for him already.
And then today on my way to class, I had an actual panic attack over being afraid to see him. Which I still don’t understand because we’ve still been talking non-stop since it happened. I ran into the bathroom to calm myself down, the room started spinning, my vision was blurry, I started shaking, and breathing extremely hard… I assume it was a panic attack, but I honestly don’t know because I’ve never had one before. Anyway, I was sitting on the stairs, still shaking, when he walked through the door and immediately walked over to me. He sat beside me, and we just talked like normal. He still sat beside me in class. It may seem like an awkward situation, but honestly, I’m better when we’re talking.
As glad as I am that we are able to still talk and be friends, it kills me. But it’s when we’re not talking that it hurts the most. It’s when I’m lying in bed at night, wishing he was still lying beside me. Or when I’m sitting in class, just watching him, and in my head I’m seeing him back here in my bed… with me running my fingers through his hair, kissing his lips, his hands touching me places I haven’t been touched in a year…
It’s so weird to me that we’ve known each other for such a short time, but I feel this strongly about a guy that I wasn’t even sure I liked at first. But now, not being with him hurts, like actually, physically hurts. I was waiting for the shuttle back to my apartment after class, standing where we were when he first kissed me, not even caring that I was getting drenched by the rain.
There’s this empty place in me now, and I’d give anything to have him for myself, a real relationship, not just the physical stuff. He’s the kind of guy that I could finally fall in love with. When we were together Saturday night, there were things that he told me that he said he hadn’t told anyone else. And although I realize he had been drinking, he wasn’t drunk enough to not remember that night- he remembers every part of it.
He promises that I’m not just a one night stand… that there’s a chance that while he’s figuring out what he wants right now, it could work out in my favor, but he can’t make any promises. I know no one knows what the future holds (boy do I wish I did right now), but if anyone can offer some solace or advice, it would be greatly appreciated.